xtremeroswellia

I am officially ON VACATION PEOPLE.

Vacation.

I have not had an actual week's vacation from Dove since...well, ever!

But don't worry. I have plenty to keep me busy. I'm starting on Chris...uh, holiday presents. *hides from katelennon.* And I have reading to do, and Lea's going to come over and bring the kidlets to swim, and then Thursday I'm going to visit tim_80 which I'm really excited about, and THEN, Friday, I will be in the theaters seeing I Want to Believe.

My Jensen dream from the night before last did not continue last night. *sigh* Maybe tonight. Or maybe I'll have to wait a week like when you have to wait for a new episode of your favorite show? Who knows?

Last night in terms of sleep was rather sucky actually. I don't remember dreaming until after the Incident at 3:45 this morning. Said incident involved me walking to the bathroom (okay walking is probably overreaching--more like stumbling), spotting a bug of unknown origin on the floor and shrieking loudly when it started jumping TOWARD me. My first panicked thought was "OMG Cricket!" Followed quickly by: "RUN!" I wound up jumping up into a laundry basket behind me, breaking it when my foot went right through the bottom and then racing to turn on the light, at which point said bug was gone. It took me over an hour to get back to sleep and only then by convincing myself it was just a wolf spider and not a cricket.

So I managed to finally fall back asleep just before 5 a.m. and then I begin dreaming that my best friend Lea is having a birthday party in which me and a whole lot of others are at, including her stepfather. Well said stepfather said something that made Lea cry so I started cussing him out and then tackled him and beat the crap out of him. 0_o Nooo idea where the hell THAT came from, but whatever. So then the dream shifted and my friend Tim was there and he for some reason thought he was Rylee's father. *scratches head* I swear to God I don't know where I come up with this crap.

( Thoughts on Lisa, Bright and Dark, the book )

There's a darkness inside of me that lies dormant most of the time, but that every so often threatens to consume me entirely. While today is not one of the days that I feel consumed, I feel that I am standing on that border--that place in between hell and all its inherent demons, and a sense of inner calmness and peace. Sometimes I think the border is worse than hell itself because I never know if I'm about to fall off into the void or if at that last minute I'm going to be able to pull myself off the precipice.

Maybe it's just this time of year that makes me a little melancholy--not only because of 9/11, which is obviously a difficult time for most people, but because I hate the month of September. And August, for that matter. I wish they could be wiped off the map. It's normal for me to feel this way during this month, and thankfully it's generally a short slip into a light depression and not like the one I go through in January and February.

Tomorrow is the fifth anniversary of the first day I met Tim. Which is actually a good memory for the most part. But right now it just makes me sad because we're not close anymore, and I don't think we ever can be again. Too much has happened.