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xtremeroswelliaTitle: Making Amends: Story 8 in the "Who I Am, What I'll Become" Series
Author: X_tremeroswellian
Email: faithboscorelli1@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: They're Joss Whedon's. I'm just borrowing them for a bit.
Rating: PG-13 for language and content
Spoilers: Up through "Are You Now or Have You Ever Been" for Angel, the entire "Who I Am" series, and the episodes "Lover's Walk," "Graduation Day II," and up through and including the fifth season episode "Fool For Love" of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. There is a brief scene in here that is vaguely reminiscent of one done in the Angel episode, "First Impressions."
Timeline: This story is an immediate continuation of the one before it, "Sometimes You Must Go Back."
Summary: Cordelia and Xander have a talk; Angel and Wesley learn Cordelia went to Sunnydale.
Author's Note: This story was written because I am a firm believer that you cannot move on until you really resolve the past. That has been my life experience in many different areas. And since I don't feel that Cordelia and Xander ever really resolved the things that happened when they were in high school...well, hence this story.
Distribution: Let me know the link. Anyone who had permission to archive the first fic in this series, "Illusions" has permission for this one and the others.
Category: Story/Crossover with Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Subcategory: angst/friendship
Feedback: Is greatly appreciated.
Dedication: This one is for katt. :)
Making Amends
Cordelia stared at Xander for a long moment. He looked good, there was no denying that. She hadn't allowed herself to really look at him when she'd seen him in Sunnydale just a couple of hours ago. But now, seeing him standing on her doorstep after all this time brought back a flood of high school memories--and a dull but familiar pain that she had buried long ago resurfaced.
She felt her defenses rise almost instantly. "If you came here to get in a few cheap shots about how miserable I made you and what a horrible person I am, Buffy already covered all the bases, so you can turn around and go back to Sunnydale right now."
Xander shook his head and held up his hands. "That's not why I'm here."
"Then why are you here?"
"I just thought...can I come in?" he asked.
Cordelia hesitated, but only for a second. Then she stepped aside and allowed him passage. "Dennis, be nice," she warned.
Xander looked around. "Uh...who's Dennis?"
"My roommate." She closed the door and watched with some amusement as Xander shifted uncomfortably.
"Roommate as in roommate? Or uh..." he stammered.
"Dennis, why don't you get Xander a soda, please?" she suggested.
A moment later a soda floated out of the kitchen and then rushed towards Xander's head.
He yelped and quickly ducked down to avoid being hit.
"Dennis," Cordelia said, a touch of warning in her tone. She wasn't too harsh, though. After all, Dennis was the only person...er, ghost...whom she'd shared her pain over Xander with. And it was nice to know that *someone* was on her side. Even if he was invisible. It helped sooth her frazzled nerves.
Xander quickly grabbed the can as it hovered in front of him, and he stared at her with wide eyes. "Your roommate's a--"
"Don't say the g-word," she warned. "He really doesn't like that."
He just stared at her, a dumbfounded expression on his face.
Cordelia couldn't help the laugh that escaped her lips. "Relax. He's friendly. Most of the time."
Xander chuckled nervously. "Right. Uh...that's good to know." He looked around warily, then opened the soda and peered at it. "It's not...you know...poisoned or anything. Right?"
She smiled. "Of course not."
He looked relieved and took a cautious sip. "So, can we sit down?" he asked, not looking at her.
"Yeah." Cordelia sat down on the edge of her sofa and Xander sat down in the chair across from her. She fidgeted with her hands nervously.
"I thought we should talk. I--we haven't talked in a long time. Since graduation."
"There wasn't really anything to talk about," she said with a shrug.
"Apparently you thought so when you left town without even saying goodbye." Xander met her eyes, his voice hurt.
Cordelia looked away.
"I found out from your landlord that you left. He said he didn't know where you were headed."
"Xander, we'd been broken up for months."
"Five. Five months, Cordy."
"Five months, ten days and three hours when I left Sunnydale."
He stared at her and she finally met his gaze. "Cordelia..."
She stood up. "I couldn't say goodbye, Xander. Because if I had--"
"You wouldn't have been able to," he finished for her, his voice full of guilt.
Cordelia nodded and gave him a small smile. "So I left. I wound up living in this tiny, run-down, cockroach-infested apartment on the other side of town. And if you tell anyone that, I'll deny it."
Xander grinned. "So how did you--?" He gestured around her apartment.
"Funny thing, actually. See, I was at this big Hollywood party and I ran into Angel of all people."
Xander's eyes narrowed.
"I know how you feel about him, but if it wasn't for Angel, I wouldn't be here right now. He's saved my life more times than I can count. Starting with right after we ran into each other at that party. This vampire targeted me, and I was about to be an involuntary blood bag when he just...appeared out of nowhere. I've been working for him ever since."
"And he got this apartment for you?"
"No, that was Doyle. He was working with us for awhile." Cordelia stared out the window. "He...died a few months ago." Her eyes filled with tears and she blinked rapidly.
Xander rested a hand on her shoulder. She flinched and he quickly moved it away. "I'm sorry about your friend. I'm...I'm sorry about everything."
Something about the way his voice sounded made her turn around and face him. His eyes were sad, full of regret and guilt.
"Cordelia, I never meant for any of that stuff to happen. I never meant to hurt anyone. Especially not you." He let out a breath. "I've...been wanting to say that to you for over a year now."
She paused. "I have some things I need to say to you, too." She took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. "I loved you."
Xander's eyes widened slightly, and the guilt deepened. "I...never knew that."
"I know. I don't deal with rejection well. And that's what I would have gotten if I had told you." She smiled sadly. "I knew you loved Buffy. I was always your second choice. I could live with that. I didn't like it, but I could deal. But when I saw you with Willow...it hit me. I wasn't even your second choice."
Cordelia turned away, her hand unconsciously covering the scar under her left ribcage. Her world had fallen apart at that moment. She remembered the only thought going through her mind when she'd seen them together: run. So she had. And then she'd nearly been killed as the stairs of the old warehouse had collapsed and she'd been impaled on a metal pole. Shortly after that, the IRS took everything her family owned and to avoid a prison sentence, her parents had fled Sunnydale and left her behind.
"Seeing you hurt so much after that. I'd never realized I could hurt that badly," she told him quietly. "And you just...went on. It was like what happened between us didn't really affect you." Cordelia turned to face him again. "That's when I finally realized what it must be like to be you."
Their eyes met.
"What it's still like," she added.
Xander sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Is it that obvious?"
"Only to someone who's been through it. I see it because I've felt it. Because I understand it. Loving someone who's in love with someone else...that's a hell all of its own accord."
He nodded in agreement. "I never wanted you to feel this way. I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy, let alone someone I care for."
"I know. But I got through it. And I'm stronger now because of it."
"So what you're telling me is you're over me?" he asked with a grin.
"Yeah. But it wasn't easy. It was almost a year before I dated anyone even semi-seriously. And that didn't exactly end well, either." Cordelia frowned.
"What was wrong with him?"
She hesitated. "You'd better not go spreading these things around Sunnydale. I got pregnant."
Xander's mouth fell open.
"With 8 demon babies."
He stared at her.
She sighed. "Angel and Wesley came to my rescue, of course."
"And you're okay? You're not...hurt or anything, right?" he asked in concern.
Cordelia looked away. "I'm okay. Physically, anyway. But let's just say that dating is pretty much off my priority list these days."
He looked down at the floor.
"You're dating Anya?"
Xander's eyes widened in surprise. "You know about that?"
"Well, Spike mentioned you were dating an ex-demon, and contrary to what some people think, I don't find two and two to be a difficult mathematical equation," Cordelia said with a smirk.
He smiled. "Yeah, we're seeing each other."
"Is it going okay?"
He hesitated. "Yeah, it's good. But..."
"She's not Buffy?" Cordelia guessed.
Xander sighed. "I know, it's stupid. I should just let it go. But I can't seem to shake the hope that maybe one day..." He shook his head. "Then there's Riley, whom I like. He's been good for Buffy."
"You'd be better." She hadn't planned on saying it out loud, it just slipped.
"Thanks, Cordy," he said sincerely. "That means a lot coming from you."
"Well, I've never pretended to understand Buffy. And to be honest, I don't want to." Cordelia sat back down on her couch.
Xander sat down on the chair. "What exactly happened tonight?" he asked carefully.
"Which part? The part where I saved her sister's life, or the part where she screamed at me about it?" she asked, a touch of sarcasm in her voice.
"Actually, I was referring to the part where you knew what was going on and where to be in order to save Dawn in the first place."
Cordelia took a deep breath. "I have visions. Sent from the PTB."
"The what?"
"Powers That Be. When someone's in trouble that Angel's supposed to help, they send me visions. Usually with a name or a location and not much else."
"So if Angel's supposed to be the one helping...where was he?" Xander asked suspicously.
She hesitated and she wasn't sure why. Maybe just because she didn't want to hear Xander badmouth Angel. "I think he must have found someone else to help. He didn't answer his phone when I called."
"So you came instead."
"Actually, I tried to call. There was no answer at Giles' and Buffy hung up on me. So there wasn't much of a choice."
"So...if you had gotten a hold of Giles or if Buffy hadn't hung up on you, you wouldn't have come back?"
"No. I wouldn't have," Cordelia admitted.
Xander looked at her. "I'm glad you did," he said sincerely.
"Yeah. I think I am, too." Cordelia smiled at him. And for the first time in a very long time, looking at Xander Harris didn't hurt.
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"Where's Angel?" Wesley demanded as he ran into the Hyperion Hotel and up to the front desk, which Charles Gunn was sitting on.
"Do I look like his keeper?"
Wesley rolled his eyes. "Have you seen him leave?"
"Haven't seen him since last night."
Wesley turned and started up the steps.
"What's the matter? He late for tea or somethin'?"
Wesley ignored him and ran up to Angel's suite, knocking loudly on the door.
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"What's that sound?" Angel murmured as Darla kissed his chest.
"Nothing. Ignore it," she commanded.
He tried to, but the sound kept getting louder. He broke away from his sire's embrace and looked around.
Wesley was standing across the room, building a wooden coffin.
Angel stared at him. "What the hell are you doing?" he demanded.
Wesley didn't even so much as look at him. Instead, the former-Watcher motioned to the shadows.
Angel watched as Cordelia stepped over to Wesley, her long dark hair catching the light in the room. She took Wesley's hand and started to climb up into the coffin.
"Cordelia?" Angel said, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by anxiety and confusion.
She looked directly at him, her dark eyes trying to send him some message he didn't understand. Then she shook her head sadly and climbed into the coffin.
Wesley closed the lid quickly and began to nail it shut.
Angel moved forward and shoved him aside. "Stop it! She won't be able to breathe!" He grabbed the wooden lid and tried to yank it open.
"It's too late, Angel," Wesley said, folding his arms across his chest.
"Shut up!" he shouted. He managed to rip the lid off the coffin and Cordelia tumbled out, her skin paler than he had ever seen it. Angel quickly gathered her in his arms. "Cordelia! Wake up!" he said urgently, shaking her. "Cordelia!"
"Angel! Open the bloody door!"
Angel sat up with a start. He looked around wildly. The coffin was gone, Darla was gone, and so was Cordelia.
He was in bed and the room was dark. It took him a moment to realize that it had all been a dream. Except for the fact that Wesley was pounding on his door.
Angel wrapped the sheet around his waist and yanked on the door handle. "What?" he growled.
Wesley nearly fell into the room. "There was a message on my machine. From Cordelia. She had some sort of vision."
Any anger he'd been feeling dissipated instantly. "Is she okay?" The dream he'd just had of her lying dead in his arms slammed into his conscious mind.
"I don't know." Wesley hesitated. "She mentioned Giles and Buffy."
"Did you call her?"
"I tried. The phone was disconnected."
"Let's go," Angel commanded, urging him out the door.
"Uh, Angel."
"What?" he barked.
"You might want to get dressed."
Angel looked down and suddenly realized he only had on the bed sheet. He grinned sheepishly. "Dressed. Right."
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"So...what did Buffy say to you?" Xander asked hesitantly awhile later.
"She said a lot of things. Starting with accusing me of working with Glory," she said, disgusted.
He shook his head. "She's been different lately. She and Riley have both been acting strangely."
"What's so different about that? Buffy's always been strange," Cordelia said, rolling her eyes.
"Her mom's sick."
She looked at him. "Sick how?"
He sighed. "We don't know. She's been in and out of the hospital. Dizziness, migraines, memory loss...she's going back for more testing in a couple of days."
Cordelia suddenly felt guilty. "I had no idea," she said with a sigh.
"She's been taking it pretty hard," Xander said quietly. "I think you just got the raw end of the deal. She hasn't really opened up about it. I'm sure she didn't mean anything she said to you."
"Well, maybe she'll feel a little better now," Cordelia said thoughtfully. "If she needed someone to take her anger out on because of her mom, I can understand that."
He shook his head, his eyes warm. "You've really changed."
She paused. "Yeah, I guess I have. I finally feel like I belong."
He considered her words. "I'm glad."
Cordelia stood up. "I'm in the mood for tea. Want some?"
"Tea sounds great."
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Angel barely allowed Wesley's motorcycle to stop when he jumped off and raced towards the entrance of Cordelia's apartment building. Wesley followed closely and when Angel stopped abruptly he slammed into his back.
Wesley followed Angel's gaze to the car parked in front of the building. "Angel, what is it?" he asked in concern.
"That car. It's Spike's." Angel took off running, taking the stairs three at a time.
"Spike's? As in the vampire? Dear Lord." Wesley hurried after him.
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"So Giles took over the Magic Box?" Cordelia asked as she poured the hot water into two mugs and dipped the tea bags inside.
"Yeah. It's sort of our new hang out," Xander informed her. "Had to have a replacement for the library once our local serpant destroyed it."
She smiled. "Understandable."
"You should come back sometime. To visit."
Cordelia paused. "I don't think that will happen anytime soon." She turned to face him. "I'm needed here. And going back would be...living in the past."
Before Xander had a chance to respond, the door to her apartment flew open and a very upset Angel walked inside.
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Angel didn't even bother knocking. If Spike had laid one finger on Cordelia, he was going to be dust in the wind. He kicked the door open and walked inside.
The first thing he saw was a very startled Xander Harris, and an equally startled Cordelia. Her surprised expression quickly changed to one of concern. "Angel, what is it?"
His gaze flickered from her face to Xander's and then back again. "Wesley said you had a vision."
"So you kicked in her door?" Xander asked with narrowed eyes.
"Where is he?" Wesley demanded as he stumbled into the room, holding onto a stake.
"Who?" Cordelia asked in confusion.
"Spike."
Angel watched the confusion pass over her face. "His car's parked outside." He looked at Xander.
"I borrowed it," he said with a shrug.
"Xander, hello," Wesley said, looking a bit confused himself. "What a...nice surprise."
"Right back at ya," Xander said dryly.
Angel moved over to Cordelia. "Your phone's been disconnected."
"What?" Cordelia picked up the receiver and listened for a moment. "No, it hasn't."
He turned to look at Wesley.
"I tried to call...it said the number was disconnected," Wesley insisted.
She handed him the phone, and from his spot, Angel could hear the dial tone quite clearly. "What number did you dial?" she asked.
"555-0174."
Angel glared at him. "That's not her phone number. It's 0175."
"Oh."
He turned back to Cordelia. "Your vision...what did you see?" he asked quietly.
Cordelia hesitated. "Dawn. She was in trouble. But don't worry, it's been taken care of."
"You should have seen her. Dusted a vamp all by herself," Xander said, his voice proud.
"Two, actually. I staked one before you guys showed up."
"You went to Sunnydale?" Angel asked, stunned.
"Alone?" Wesley added, his voice full of worry.
Cordelia raised an eyebrow. "Well, it seems that the two of you were too busy to come and help me since neither of you bothered to answer the phone when I called."
Wesley's face flushed. "I had a date."
"I must have forgotten to turn on the cell phone," Angel said guiltly.
"Well, all things can be made up. I need to have my blouse dry-cleaned from those grease stains earlier, and Neiman's is having a sale this weekend..."
"Done," he said immediately.
She grinned, and he couldn't help smiling back. Then his gaze dropped and he saw the tear in her sweatshirt on her right shoulder. He could see a blood stain underneath. "You're hurt."
"What?"
"Wesley, go get the first aid kit," he said as he guided her over to sit down on the couch.
Xander peered over his shoulder and grimaced at the wound.
When Wesley returned, Angel knelt in front of her.
"Angel, I'm fine. I can take care of myself," Cordelia pointed out.
"Don't argue. You always take care of us when we're hurt," Angel said quietly. He pulled aside the material of her sweatshirt that was covering her shoulder. "Wesley, peroxide."
Wesley handed him the bottle of peroxide and a few cotton balls.
He poured the solution onto the cotton balls and gently dabbed it onto the cut with one hand while his other hand rested on Cordelia's arm. He grimaced as he heard her wince. "Sorry." He felt Xander standing behind him and Angel looked up into Cordelia's eyes, which were focused on his own. "You okay?" he asked quietly so no one would hear except her.
She nodded, almost impercebtably. Angel felt a rush of protectiveness towards her and he cursed himself silently for having missed her vision. She shouldn't have had to go back to Sunnydale at all, and she wouldn't have been hurt at all. Protecting the innocent was his job and he'd failed. More specifically, he'd failed *her*.
He looked up into her eyes again, and saw the total trust she had for him.
Angel vowed never to let her down again.
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Xander watched with amazement and a bit of envy as Angel gently cleansed Cordelia's wounded shoulder. Wesley hovered behind the vampire, anxiety clear in his expression.
Cordelia was right. She *did* belong here.
He remembered what she'd been like in high school. To most, including him half the time, she had seemed self-centered, thoughtless and snobby.
But this was not the same Cordelia that he rememebered. This Cordelia was warm, intelligent and mature. And he had a feeling that the change in her had a great deal to do with her newfound sense of belonging, of being needed.
Because even though Angel and Wesley weren't particularly two of his favorite people in the world, it was pretty obvious to him that they cared for and needed Cordelia.
They were a family.
Cordelia had once told him that she never felt like she belonged with him, Willow and Buffy. Xander suddenly realized he was now the one who felt really out of place.
Xander allowed himself one last look at Cordelia, at the life that could have been, and then he turned away. He had reached the door when he heard her say, "Xander."
He turned to face her.
"You were just going to leave without saying goodbye?" There was a hint of teasing in her voice and he smiled.
Then, much to his surprise, Cordelia wrapped her arms around his waist in a hug. He hugged her back tightly, closed his eyes, and rememebered.
"I forgive you," she whispered.
Xander froze for a moment, stunned by her words. Then he kissed her cheek. "Thank you," she whispered back.
Cordelia smiled at him. "Take care, Xander."
"I will. You, too. And if you ever need anything--"
"I know. That works both ways."
Their eyes met and they both smiled.
"Bye, Cordy."
"Bye, Xander."
Xander turned and left her apartment, feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders.
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Cordelia leaned against the doorframe and watched as Xander walked away. A small smile rested on her lips.
A moment later, she felt Angel's hand resting on her shoulder and she turned to look at him.
"Are you really okay?" he asked, his eyes full of concern.
"Yeah, I am."
"I'm sorry for missing your vision. I should have been the one to--"
"I'm glad it was me. I may never have gone back if I hadn't had to. And things worked out okay." She smiled, feeling truly content for the first time in a very long time.
She was finally free. And it was time to move on.
~The End~
Author: X_tremeroswellian
Email: faithboscorelli1@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: They're Joss Whedon's. I'm just borrowing them for a bit.
Rating: PG-13 for language and content
Spoilers: Up through "Are You Now or Have You Ever Been" for Angel, the entire "Who I Am" series, and the episodes "Lover's Walk," "Graduation Day II," and up through and including the fifth season episode "Fool For Love" of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. There is a brief scene in here that is vaguely reminiscent of one done in the Angel episode, "First Impressions."
Timeline: This story is an immediate continuation of the one before it, "Sometimes You Must Go Back."
Summary: Cordelia and Xander have a talk; Angel and Wesley learn Cordelia went to Sunnydale.
Author's Note: This story was written because I am a firm believer that you cannot move on until you really resolve the past. That has been my life experience in many different areas. And since I don't feel that Cordelia and Xander ever really resolved the things that happened when they were in high school...well, hence this story.
Distribution: Let me know the link. Anyone who had permission to archive the first fic in this series, "Illusions" has permission for this one and the others.
Category: Story/Crossover with Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Subcategory: angst/friendship
Feedback: Is greatly appreciated.
Dedication: This one is for katt. :)
Making Amends
Cordelia stared at Xander for a long moment. He looked good, there was no denying that. She hadn't allowed herself to really look at him when she'd seen him in Sunnydale just a couple of hours ago. But now, seeing him standing on her doorstep after all this time brought back a flood of high school memories--and a dull but familiar pain that she had buried long ago resurfaced.
She felt her defenses rise almost instantly. "If you came here to get in a few cheap shots about how miserable I made you and what a horrible person I am, Buffy already covered all the bases, so you can turn around and go back to Sunnydale right now."
Xander shook his head and held up his hands. "That's not why I'm here."
"Then why are you here?"
"I just thought...can I come in?" he asked.
Cordelia hesitated, but only for a second. Then she stepped aside and allowed him passage. "Dennis, be nice," she warned.
Xander looked around. "Uh...who's Dennis?"
"My roommate." She closed the door and watched with some amusement as Xander shifted uncomfortably.
"Roommate as in roommate? Or uh..." he stammered.
"Dennis, why don't you get Xander a soda, please?" she suggested.
A moment later a soda floated out of the kitchen and then rushed towards Xander's head.
He yelped and quickly ducked down to avoid being hit.
"Dennis," Cordelia said, a touch of warning in her tone. She wasn't too harsh, though. After all, Dennis was the only person...er, ghost...whom she'd shared her pain over Xander with. And it was nice to know that *someone* was on her side. Even if he was invisible. It helped sooth her frazzled nerves.
Xander quickly grabbed the can as it hovered in front of him, and he stared at her with wide eyes. "Your roommate's a--"
"Don't say the g-word," she warned. "He really doesn't like that."
He just stared at her, a dumbfounded expression on his face.
Cordelia couldn't help the laugh that escaped her lips. "Relax. He's friendly. Most of the time."
Xander chuckled nervously. "Right. Uh...that's good to know." He looked around warily, then opened the soda and peered at it. "It's not...you know...poisoned or anything. Right?"
She smiled. "Of course not."
He looked relieved and took a cautious sip. "So, can we sit down?" he asked, not looking at her.
"Yeah." Cordelia sat down on the edge of her sofa and Xander sat down in the chair across from her. She fidgeted with her hands nervously.
"I thought we should talk. I--we haven't talked in a long time. Since graduation."
"There wasn't really anything to talk about," she said with a shrug.
"Apparently you thought so when you left town without even saying goodbye." Xander met her eyes, his voice hurt.
Cordelia looked away.
"I found out from your landlord that you left. He said he didn't know where you were headed."
"Xander, we'd been broken up for months."
"Five. Five months, Cordy."
"Five months, ten days and three hours when I left Sunnydale."
He stared at her and she finally met his gaze. "Cordelia..."
She stood up. "I couldn't say goodbye, Xander. Because if I had--"
"You wouldn't have been able to," he finished for her, his voice full of guilt.
Cordelia nodded and gave him a small smile. "So I left. I wound up living in this tiny, run-down, cockroach-infested apartment on the other side of town. And if you tell anyone that, I'll deny it."
Xander grinned. "So how did you--?" He gestured around her apartment.
"Funny thing, actually. See, I was at this big Hollywood party and I ran into Angel of all people."
Xander's eyes narrowed.
"I know how you feel about him, but if it wasn't for Angel, I wouldn't be here right now. He's saved my life more times than I can count. Starting with right after we ran into each other at that party. This vampire targeted me, and I was about to be an involuntary blood bag when he just...appeared out of nowhere. I've been working for him ever since."
"And he got this apartment for you?"
"No, that was Doyle. He was working with us for awhile." Cordelia stared out the window. "He...died a few months ago." Her eyes filled with tears and she blinked rapidly.
Xander rested a hand on her shoulder. She flinched and he quickly moved it away. "I'm sorry about your friend. I'm...I'm sorry about everything."
Something about the way his voice sounded made her turn around and face him. His eyes were sad, full of regret and guilt.
"Cordelia, I never meant for any of that stuff to happen. I never meant to hurt anyone. Especially not you." He let out a breath. "I've...been wanting to say that to you for over a year now."
She paused. "I have some things I need to say to you, too." She took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. "I loved you."
Xander's eyes widened slightly, and the guilt deepened. "I...never knew that."
"I know. I don't deal with rejection well. And that's what I would have gotten if I had told you." She smiled sadly. "I knew you loved Buffy. I was always your second choice. I could live with that. I didn't like it, but I could deal. But when I saw you with Willow...it hit me. I wasn't even your second choice."
Cordelia turned away, her hand unconsciously covering the scar under her left ribcage. Her world had fallen apart at that moment. She remembered the only thought going through her mind when she'd seen them together: run. So she had. And then she'd nearly been killed as the stairs of the old warehouse had collapsed and she'd been impaled on a metal pole. Shortly after that, the IRS took everything her family owned and to avoid a prison sentence, her parents had fled Sunnydale and left her behind.
"Seeing you hurt so much after that. I'd never realized I could hurt that badly," she told him quietly. "And you just...went on. It was like what happened between us didn't really affect you." Cordelia turned to face him again. "That's when I finally realized what it must be like to be you."
Their eyes met.
"What it's still like," she added.
Xander sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Is it that obvious?"
"Only to someone who's been through it. I see it because I've felt it. Because I understand it. Loving someone who's in love with someone else...that's a hell all of its own accord."
He nodded in agreement. "I never wanted you to feel this way. I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy, let alone someone I care for."
"I know. But I got through it. And I'm stronger now because of it."
"So what you're telling me is you're over me?" he asked with a grin.
"Yeah. But it wasn't easy. It was almost a year before I dated anyone even semi-seriously. And that didn't exactly end well, either." Cordelia frowned.
"What was wrong with him?"
She hesitated. "You'd better not go spreading these things around Sunnydale. I got pregnant."
Xander's mouth fell open.
"With 8 demon babies."
He stared at her.
She sighed. "Angel and Wesley came to my rescue, of course."
"And you're okay? You're not...hurt or anything, right?" he asked in concern.
Cordelia looked away. "I'm okay. Physically, anyway. But let's just say that dating is pretty much off my priority list these days."
He looked down at the floor.
"You're dating Anya?"
Xander's eyes widened in surprise. "You know about that?"
"Well, Spike mentioned you were dating an ex-demon, and contrary to what some people think, I don't find two and two to be a difficult mathematical equation," Cordelia said with a smirk.
He smiled. "Yeah, we're seeing each other."
"Is it going okay?"
He hesitated. "Yeah, it's good. But..."
"She's not Buffy?" Cordelia guessed.
Xander sighed. "I know, it's stupid. I should just let it go. But I can't seem to shake the hope that maybe one day..." He shook his head. "Then there's Riley, whom I like. He's been good for Buffy."
"You'd be better." She hadn't planned on saying it out loud, it just slipped.
"Thanks, Cordy," he said sincerely. "That means a lot coming from you."
"Well, I've never pretended to understand Buffy. And to be honest, I don't want to." Cordelia sat back down on her couch.
Xander sat down on the chair. "What exactly happened tonight?" he asked carefully.
"Which part? The part where I saved her sister's life, or the part where she screamed at me about it?" she asked, a touch of sarcasm in her voice.
"Actually, I was referring to the part where you knew what was going on and where to be in order to save Dawn in the first place."
Cordelia took a deep breath. "I have visions. Sent from the PTB."
"The what?"
"Powers That Be. When someone's in trouble that Angel's supposed to help, they send me visions. Usually with a name or a location and not much else."
"So if Angel's supposed to be the one helping...where was he?" Xander asked suspicously.
She hesitated and she wasn't sure why. Maybe just because she didn't want to hear Xander badmouth Angel. "I think he must have found someone else to help. He didn't answer his phone when I called."
"So you came instead."
"Actually, I tried to call. There was no answer at Giles' and Buffy hung up on me. So there wasn't much of a choice."
"So...if you had gotten a hold of Giles or if Buffy hadn't hung up on you, you wouldn't have come back?"
"No. I wouldn't have," Cordelia admitted.
Xander looked at her. "I'm glad you did," he said sincerely.
"Yeah. I think I am, too." Cordelia smiled at him. And for the first time in a very long time, looking at Xander Harris didn't hurt.
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"Where's Angel?" Wesley demanded as he ran into the Hyperion Hotel and up to the front desk, which Charles Gunn was sitting on.
"Do I look like his keeper?"
Wesley rolled his eyes. "Have you seen him leave?"
"Haven't seen him since last night."
Wesley turned and started up the steps.
"What's the matter? He late for tea or somethin'?"
Wesley ignored him and ran up to Angel's suite, knocking loudly on the door.
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"What's that sound?" Angel murmured as Darla kissed his chest.
"Nothing. Ignore it," she commanded.
He tried to, but the sound kept getting louder. He broke away from his sire's embrace and looked around.
Wesley was standing across the room, building a wooden coffin.
Angel stared at him. "What the hell are you doing?" he demanded.
Wesley didn't even so much as look at him. Instead, the former-Watcher motioned to the shadows.
Angel watched as Cordelia stepped over to Wesley, her long dark hair catching the light in the room. She took Wesley's hand and started to climb up into the coffin.
"Cordelia?" Angel said, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by anxiety and confusion.
She looked directly at him, her dark eyes trying to send him some message he didn't understand. Then she shook her head sadly and climbed into the coffin.
Wesley closed the lid quickly and began to nail it shut.
Angel moved forward and shoved him aside. "Stop it! She won't be able to breathe!" He grabbed the wooden lid and tried to yank it open.
"It's too late, Angel," Wesley said, folding his arms across his chest.
"Shut up!" he shouted. He managed to rip the lid off the coffin and Cordelia tumbled out, her skin paler than he had ever seen it. Angel quickly gathered her in his arms. "Cordelia! Wake up!" he said urgently, shaking her. "Cordelia!"
"Angel! Open the bloody door!"
Angel sat up with a start. He looked around wildly. The coffin was gone, Darla was gone, and so was Cordelia.
He was in bed and the room was dark. It took him a moment to realize that it had all been a dream. Except for the fact that Wesley was pounding on his door.
Angel wrapped the sheet around his waist and yanked on the door handle. "What?" he growled.
Wesley nearly fell into the room. "There was a message on my machine. From Cordelia. She had some sort of vision."
Any anger he'd been feeling dissipated instantly. "Is she okay?" The dream he'd just had of her lying dead in his arms slammed into his conscious mind.
"I don't know." Wesley hesitated. "She mentioned Giles and Buffy."
"Did you call her?"
"I tried. The phone was disconnected."
"Let's go," Angel commanded, urging him out the door.
"Uh, Angel."
"What?" he barked.
"You might want to get dressed."
Angel looked down and suddenly realized he only had on the bed sheet. He grinned sheepishly. "Dressed. Right."
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"So...what did Buffy say to you?" Xander asked hesitantly awhile later.
"She said a lot of things. Starting with accusing me of working with Glory," she said, disgusted.
He shook his head. "She's been different lately. She and Riley have both been acting strangely."
"What's so different about that? Buffy's always been strange," Cordelia said, rolling her eyes.
"Her mom's sick."
She looked at him. "Sick how?"
He sighed. "We don't know. She's been in and out of the hospital. Dizziness, migraines, memory loss...she's going back for more testing in a couple of days."
Cordelia suddenly felt guilty. "I had no idea," she said with a sigh.
"She's been taking it pretty hard," Xander said quietly. "I think you just got the raw end of the deal. She hasn't really opened up about it. I'm sure she didn't mean anything she said to you."
"Well, maybe she'll feel a little better now," Cordelia said thoughtfully. "If she needed someone to take her anger out on because of her mom, I can understand that."
He shook his head, his eyes warm. "You've really changed."
She paused. "Yeah, I guess I have. I finally feel like I belong."
He considered her words. "I'm glad."
Cordelia stood up. "I'm in the mood for tea. Want some?"
"Tea sounds great."
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Angel barely allowed Wesley's motorcycle to stop when he jumped off and raced towards the entrance of Cordelia's apartment building. Wesley followed closely and when Angel stopped abruptly he slammed into his back.
Wesley followed Angel's gaze to the car parked in front of the building. "Angel, what is it?" he asked in concern.
"That car. It's Spike's." Angel took off running, taking the stairs three at a time.
"Spike's? As in the vampire? Dear Lord." Wesley hurried after him.
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"So Giles took over the Magic Box?" Cordelia asked as she poured the hot water into two mugs and dipped the tea bags inside.
"Yeah. It's sort of our new hang out," Xander informed her. "Had to have a replacement for the library once our local serpant destroyed it."
She smiled. "Understandable."
"You should come back sometime. To visit."
Cordelia paused. "I don't think that will happen anytime soon." She turned to face him. "I'm needed here. And going back would be...living in the past."
Before Xander had a chance to respond, the door to her apartment flew open and a very upset Angel walked inside.
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Angel didn't even bother knocking. If Spike had laid one finger on Cordelia, he was going to be dust in the wind. He kicked the door open and walked inside.
The first thing he saw was a very startled Xander Harris, and an equally startled Cordelia. Her surprised expression quickly changed to one of concern. "Angel, what is it?"
His gaze flickered from her face to Xander's and then back again. "Wesley said you had a vision."
"So you kicked in her door?" Xander asked with narrowed eyes.
"Where is he?" Wesley demanded as he stumbled into the room, holding onto a stake.
"Who?" Cordelia asked in confusion.
"Spike."
Angel watched the confusion pass over her face. "His car's parked outside." He looked at Xander.
"I borrowed it," he said with a shrug.
"Xander, hello," Wesley said, looking a bit confused himself. "What a...nice surprise."
"Right back at ya," Xander said dryly.
Angel moved over to Cordelia. "Your phone's been disconnected."
"What?" Cordelia picked up the receiver and listened for a moment. "No, it hasn't."
He turned to look at Wesley.
"I tried to call...it said the number was disconnected," Wesley insisted.
She handed him the phone, and from his spot, Angel could hear the dial tone quite clearly. "What number did you dial?" she asked.
"555-0174."
Angel glared at him. "That's not her phone number. It's 0175."
"Oh."
He turned back to Cordelia. "Your vision...what did you see?" he asked quietly.
Cordelia hesitated. "Dawn. She was in trouble. But don't worry, it's been taken care of."
"You should have seen her. Dusted a vamp all by herself," Xander said, his voice proud.
"Two, actually. I staked one before you guys showed up."
"You went to Sunnydale?" Angel asked, stunned.
"Alone?" Wesley added, his voice full of worry.
Cordelia raised an eyebrow. "Well, it seems that the two of you were too busy to come and help me since neither of you bothered to answer the phone when I called."
Wesley's face flushed. "I had a date."
"I must have forgotten to turn on the cell phone," Angel said guiltly.
"Well, all things can be made up. I need to have my blouse dry-cleaned from those grease stains earlier, and Neiman's is having a sale this weekend..."
"Done," he said immediately.
She grinned, and he couldn't help smiling back. Then his gaze dropped and he saw the tear in her sweatshirt on her right shoulder. He could see a blood stain underneath. "You're hurt."
"What?"
"Wesley, go get the first aid kit," he said as he guided her over to sit down on the couch.
Xander peered over his shoulder and grimaced at the wound.
When Wesley returned, Angel knelt in front of her.
"Angel, I'm fine. I can take care of myself," Cordelia pointed out.
"Don't argue. You always take care of us when we're hurt," Angel said quietly. He pulled aside the material of her sweatshirt that was covering her shoulder. "Wesley, peroxide."
Wesley handed him the bottle of peroxide and a few cotton balls.
He poured the solution onto the cotton balls and gently dabbed it onto the cut with one hand while his other hand rested on Cordelia's arm. He grimaced as he heard her wince. "Sorry." He felt Xander standing behind him and Angel looked up into Cordelia's eyes, which were focused on his own. "You okay?" he asked quietly so no one would hear except her.
She nodded, almost impercebtably. Angel felt a rush of protectiveness towards her and he cursed himself silently for having missed her vision. She shouldn't have had to go back to Sunnydale at all, and she wouldn't have been hurt at all. Protecting the innocent was his job and he'd failed. More specifically, he'd failed *her*.
He looked up into her eyes again, and saw the total trust she had for him.
Angel vowed never to let her down again.
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Xander watched with amazement and a bit of envy as Angel gently cleansed Cordelia's wounded shoulder. Wesley hovered behind the vampire, anxiety clear in his expression.
Cordelia was right. She *did* belong here.
He remembered what she'd been like in high school. To most, including him half the time, she had seemed self-centered, thoughtless and snobby.
But this was not the same Cordelia that he rememebered. This Cordelia was warm, intelligent and mature. And he had a feeling that the change in her had a great deal to do with her newfound sense of belonging, of being needed.
Because even though Angel and Wesley weren't particularly two of his favorite people in the world, it was pretty obvious to him that they cared for and needed Cordelia.
They were a family.
Cordelia had once told him that she never felt like she belonged with him, Willow and Buffy. Xander suddenly realized he was now the one who felt really out of place.
Xander allowed himself one last look at Cordelia, at the life that could have been, and then he turned away. He had reached the door when he heard her say, "Xander."
He turned to face her.
"You were just going to leave without saying goodbye?" There was a hint of teasing in her voice and he smiled.
Then, much to his surprise, Cordelia wrapped her arms around his waist in a hug. He hugged her back tightly, closed his eyes, and rememebered.
"I forgive you," she whispered.
Xander froze for a moment, stunned by her words. Then he kissed her cheek. "Thank you," she whispered back.
Cordelia smiled at him. "Take care, Xander."
"I will. You, too. And if you ever need anything--"
"I know. That works both ways."
Their eyes met and they both smiled.
"Bye, Cordy."
"Bye, Xander."
Xander turned and left her apartment, feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders.
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Cordelia leaned against the doorframe and watched as Xander walked away. A small smile rested on her lips.
A moment later, she felt Angel's hand resting on her shoulder and she turned to look at him.
"Are you really okay?" he asked, his eyes full of concern.
"Yeah, I am."
"I'm sorry for missing your vision. I should have been the one to--"
"I'm glad it was me. I may never have gone back if I hadn't had to. And things worked out okay." She smiled, feeling truly content for the first time in a very long time.
She was finally free. And it was time to move on.
~The End~
