xtremeroswellia (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
xtremeroswellia) wrote2007-05-11 03:01 pm
xtremeroswellia) wrote2007-05-11 03:01 pm
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Single Life Vs. Married Life. Part I.
America has long been known as the society where the dream is to have a family with 2.5 kids, a dog, and a house with a white picket fence. But is that dream becoming obliterated?
Everywhere I go, people seem to be in pairs. And to many single people that's depressing because they're alone and want nothing more than to be with someone else 24/7.
To me? That's my nightmare.
That's right, folks. I like being single. A lot. Being married and having kids has never been my "American dream." Many people reading this are probably going "Oh you poor thing. You just haven't met the right guy."
Who's to say there IS a right guy? I'm sorry, I don't really buy into that whole one true love thing. If you do, that's fine, I'm not intending to offend. But it's just not something I've ever actually believed. Wanted to believe maybe, but like the idea of God, the concept is just something I can't quite believe in.
For about five minutes after my Goddaughter Rylee was born I wanted nothing more than to find a guy, have kids and buy a house.
Now the very thought makes me shudder. What's so great about being married, honestly? (Again, not trying to offend anyone! I have married friends and I love them very much!)
Okay, so you get tax deductions when you get married. Financially marriage can be nice, I suppose. But quite frankly, I'd rather just have my freedom and independence. If I wanna go see a movie by myself, I don't have to feel obligated to ask my spouse if he wants to come along because I don't have a spouse. I don't have to justify spending fifty bucks on books to anyone, I don't have to clean up after someone else instead of curling up and watching Titanic if I so choose.
I can go where I want, when I want, and do what I want without having to answer to anyone and I love it.
But what about companionship, you ask? There's nothing wrong with having a person in your life if that's what you choose. That aside, isn't that what friends are for? And what happened to being our own best friends anyway? I don't need someone else to take care of. I can do it fine all by myself, thank you.
So no, don't pity me or feel sorry for me. Because your dream may be marriage and children but mine? Consists of writing and travel and just being myself.
Everywhere I go, people seem to be in pairs. And to many single people that's depressing because they're alone and want nothing more than to be with someone else 24/7.
To me? That's my nightmare.
That's right, folks. I like being single. A lot. Being married and having kids has never been my "American dream." Many people reading this are probably going "Oh you poor thing. You just haven't met the right guy."
Who's to say there IS a right guy? I'm sorry, I don't really buy into that whole one true love thing. If you do, that's fine, I'm not intending to offend. But it's just not something I've ever actually believed. Wanted to believe maybe, but like the idea of God, the concept is just something I can't quite believe in.
For about five minutes after my Goddaughter Rylee was born I wanted nothing more than to find a guy, have kids and buy a house.
Now the very thought makes me shudder. What's so great about being married, honestly? (Again, not trying to offend anyone! I have married friends and I love them very much!)
Okay, so you get tax deductions when you get married. Financially marriage can be nice, I suppose. But quite frankly, I'd rather just have my freedom and independence. If I wanna go see a movie by myself, I don't have to feel obligated to ask my spouse if he wants to come along because I don't have a spouse. I don't have to justify spending fifty bucks on books to anyone, I don't have to clean up after someone else instead of curling up and watching Titanic if I so choose.
I can go where I want, when I want, and do what I want without having to answer to anyone and I love it.
But what about companionship, you ask? There's nothing wrong with having a person in your life if that's what you choose. That aside, isn't that what friends are for? And what happened to being our own best friends anyway? I don't need someone else to take care of. I can do it fine all by myself, thank you.
So no, don't pity me or feel sorry for me. Because your dream may be marriage and children but mine? Consists of writing and travel and just being myself.
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Sex, whenever you want it:-).
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Well see, right there is the problem with *most* couples. My husband and I have been together for over 13 years now, and we've never felt the need to answer to one another for anything. A few years ago I went to Vancouver for 11 days - I didn't ask him if I could go. I told him I was going on vacation, and then didn't even call him until 3 days into it to let him know I was okay. He goes out drinking with friends some nights, and never asks to do so. He tells me he's going, and I respect that because though we may be married/together, we're still individuals with different friends and some different interests, and we're both adults. Hell, we're actually both very independent and get annoyed with most people. At home we stay in different rooms the majority of the time unless there is a TV show we watch together or we have mutual friends or the daughter is visiting.
The thing is, we're best friends. He's who I want to spend time with when I want companionship, and the same goes for him. We also trust one another implicitly, which is something I think those relationships where the couples feel the need to keep tabs on each other constantly don't have. We only got married because it's easier to introduce one another, the tax breaks are nice and we really wanted the big celebration at Disney. Otherwise, we were quite happy to simply live together. We've certainly *never* had the desire to be with one another 24/7. I can't even stand my cat that much! :P
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For me, if God wants me to remain single, I'm fine with that. If he wants for me to get married (I'm praying so), then that's what I want. For me a marriage, and maybe children, isn't about filling a void, or companionship, or trying to be like everyone else......I personally believe it is there so that you can have this life in togetherness, one where you work together to do what you'd like to in life. Where you can work together to help achieve one anothers goals. Where if things are really crap, you've got someone who is there for you, but even more importantly.....so you can be there for someone else. Cause I don't think relationships are all one sided in the 'what I want, not what you want' world. Not saying that's what you're saying there, but two sisters of mine kinda have that attitude, and I've said to my mum if THAT is the only way a relationship can be.....I don't want it.
And I mean who's not to say you can't meet a guy who wants everything you want, but with marriage just to tell the world that you belong to each other (in the romantic sense, not chains binding you to an ironing board sense, lol), and that TOGETHER you're going to see and do it all.
Marriage is just about sharing your life with someone. Not a friend, in the omg we're soooo best friends since yester-year sense......but a friend in the sense of, you'll share it all together. Happyness, sadness....and hey, if (and only if) you ever felt like a child would add to what you're sharing together, then that's what you could do. If it's what you wanted.
But hey, there are also no set rules. Marriage was just a gift from God for those people who needed that companionship, that need to share their life and world with one other person who is really important to them, as important as they are to themselves.
Or it was just all rambly and made no sense, but either way, don't worry about what others think of the decision you've made for your life.......because even if you don't find you want these things until your later years, it can still happen then (cause if you can't have kids, you can adopt....and there's millions of children that need homes).
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And at least you know what does and doesn't work for you.....I just wish your family and co would accept this all as the decision you made for yourself, for YOUR life, and be 150% supportive!! Cause I am, though I'm not sure if the post prior seemed like it, but I am...cause it's whatever makes you the happiest in your life.
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I remember telling my mom I would never get married when I was, like, nine or something. She told me it was a phase. Twelve years later, I still don't see marriage or kids in my future. I like being by myself, with my own space, and going out with my friends when I feel the need for company. I'm happy with that.
It's not like I'm anti-marriage, either. I think marriage is fine for people who want to get married. Marriage is an extension of relationships, a private affair. If two people want to get married, I don't see why they shouldn't (I'm tempted to go off on the restrictions against gay marriage here, but I'll refrain). It's their business.
Similarly, it's my business whether or not I want to get married someday. I don't. I don't even want a particularly serious relationship. It annoys me how you need an excuse to not want to have kids, or you need a reason for not wanting to get married. I don't have a good reason - or even a reason, except that I just don't. It's just a personal feeling, I can't explain it fully in words.
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Similarly, it's my business whether or not I want to get married someday. I don't. I don't even want a particularly serious relationship. It annoys me how you need an excuse to not want to have kids, or you need a reason for not wanting to get married. I don't have a good reason - or even a reason, except that I just don't. It's just a personal feeling, I can't explain it fully in words.
Here, here! And really, is there any question MORE annoying than, "So, when are you gonna settle down?" Like getting married and having kids is all there is to life. Oy.
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One of my students recently asked me if being married was more fun than being single... and I told him being married was. He asked me which one I'd choose, and I said "being married". Now, I know I'm a newlywed and everything, but here's the thing: I don't honestly believe in the "soulmate" idea, that there's only ONE person out there for you. For me, I found the best imperfect person for me, who fit me well, like I fit him well.
Marriage isn't all flowers, love, hugs, and puppies. It's got its ups and downs, just like being single. You get lonely... just like being single. What I like about it, though, is I can still go out with my friends when I want to and don't have to ask M to come with. To a certain extent, he has his life, and I have mine. And the financial thing? Not really true. Now that I'm married and we're combining incomes, our taxes are going to hit the roof and we'll be lucky to break even this year. Heh.
The absolute best thing about being married, though, is actually the companionship. It's so much deeper than the best friend companionship. It's knowing you're accepted for who you are -- faults and flaws and all the crap you put the other person through -- and it's amazing. I know I'm not alone, that I will always have someone to talk to, and while he might not understand, he's still there. Supporting me. Loving me. Accepting me.
Despite the fights, the "you're such a pain in my ass" times, having to account to each other for money, bills, etc.
But that's just my opinion. Take it for what it's worth. ;) I say, don't even contemplate marriage until you come across the one man who makes you start thinking about it. I sure as hell didn't think a millisecond about marriage until I'd started dating M. *huggles*
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The idea of marriage and having someone else around me 24/7 terrifies me more than any nightmare. That *is* my nightmare.
My mom thinks its a phase, or whatever, but I have no drive to date, get married, pop out a kid (let alone 2.5 of the little buggers). I like kids as long as I can give them back.
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Finally a girl after my own heart. When I first started my job six years ago I used to get the questions if I was married or had any kids. At the time I was 20 years old, why the hell would I want a husband or kids at that age. Even at 26 I have have no desire to get married or have a child anytime soon. Hell I'm not even sure I want kids at all. Why is it so important that I be with someone, if I'm happy alone (and I'm not really alone I have three of the best friends in the world) and I'm way too selfish to be anyones mother.
It's funny you should say this, because we both grew up on Soaps. And if any two people should be sold on the idea of soulmates it would be us. But I don't somehow it just doesn't work for me in real life.
Or my Soap marathon on the weekends. Or if I just want to take a nap for no reason at all.
That doesn't always have to mean a lover or a husband/wife. My best friend in the world is about the closest person to me in the world. No she doesn't live in the same state as me but I visit her at least three times a year and we talk almost everyday. It's not like I'm laking in companionship.
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*hugs*
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I live my life and make my choices based on what makes me happy, and try not to spend time saying, "I will never do _____" or "I will always do _____" because who knows what may happen in the future to change my mind. Closing off options in the future because I don't want them now seems silly to me.
And I guess I think that if you're marrying someone who is going to take away your freedom and independence, maybe you shouldn't be getting married at all.
-Bree
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I guess I get more sad at people getting so determined to not give in to peer pressure that they give up on the possibility of things changing some day. It's nothing so trite as "meeting the right guy" though I guess it can sound like that sometimes. Mike is the right guy for me now... but he wasn't when I first met him, because it wasn't the right time. I wasn't in the right place. There's so much more to it than just compatability.
Marriage isn't the enemy of singleness, though. The enemy is people who think marriage is some sort of goal or status symbol, instead of a formal way of expressing the feeling, "I am happier with this person in my life than I am without them."
When I was single, I was tired of people asking me why I didn't want to date. Now that I'm married, I'm tired of people assuming I gave up something when I stopped being single. But then again, I think life is like that with all big decisions... people will always think you should choose what they chose.
Silly people.
-Bree
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